What makes a good divorce coach?
Divorce coaching is a relatively new but rapidly growing field. While there have certainly been lawyers, social workers and counselors supporting and guiding people going through divorce for much longer, the formal profession of divorce coaching has emerged more recently. In fact, the American Bar Association has recognized divorce coaching as an alternate form of dispute resolution and the profession has gained more traction over the past couple of decades. I have to admit that I was skeptical, until I realized just how helpful coaching is during a divorce and now consider myself one of the industry’s biggest advocates.
That said, all divorce coaches are not created equal, so what makes a really good divorce coach vs. a mediocre one? I have put together the following list to use as a guide if you are considering hiring a coach for your divorce or recovery.
Credentialing and Experience
I don’t know about you but the first thing I ever look at is someone’s background, particularly when it comes to the coaching industry which remains unregulated. Anyone can hang out a shingle and call themselves a coach, so when looking for a divorce coach you want to work with someone that has either been through a rigorous training program or has commensurate experience in a similar field like mental health or family law. While it’s true that coaching is unregulated, currently the industry gold standard is set by the International Coaching Federation (ICF). ICF certified coaches are professionals who have met stringent education and experience requirements, as well as adhering to strict ethical and professional standards. If a coach has not been through a legitimate coach training program, it is important to look for individuals that have coaching baked into their experience. For example, social workers, counselors, financial advisors and family lawyers have been coaching informally for years and are therefore well suited for divorce coaching.
Compatibility and Rapport
It’s important to feel comfortable and be able to develop good rapport with your coach. You will be sharing very intimate and personal information with this person and you want to know that it will be handled sensitively. Every coach has their own style, some embody a challenger role, while others a cheerleader and some a combination of both. Personally, humor is one of my core values and I will find opportunities to make light of an otherwise heavy topic wherever possible. Your communication style should be compatible so that you are open to challenging, but also to cheerleading.
Empathy and Compassion
This next one goes without saying, how can anyone call themself a coach without copious amounts of empathy and compassion? You will notice that, while there are many paths to becoming a divorce coach, almost all divorce coaches have been through their own divorce. They are the quintessential wounded warrior, turning their pain into purpose by paving the way for others that are headed down a similar road. This is because, while there are many paths to becoming a divorce coach, most of them have been through their own divorce. They are wounded warriors that use their mistakes to pave the way for you.
A Goal Oriented Approach
Goals are a must when it comes to divorce. Like I always tell people, coaching is well suited for divorce because coaching is all about getting from A to B and if there were ever a time for that it’s during a divorce. A good divorce coach will help you set clear goals and objectives for your divorce process and beyond. They should assist you in creating a plan to achieve these goals while focusing on your well-being and long-term happiness. If you are in a “Should I stay or should I go?” situation your goal is clarity; if you are in the process of divorce, your goal is to finalize, and if your divorce is over, your goal is to move on. Don’t be shy to check in frequently and articulate goals to your coach.
Transparency
Most coaches offer a 30 minute (at least) consultation. This is a great time to answer your questions and find out about fee schedules. You have probably already been gut punched by attorney’s fees, the last thing you need is another shocker of a bill. Accessibility falls into this category as well, will this person ghost you in between sessions or are they available for texting, emails, calls, and if so what is the turnaround time? Good coaches should be perfectly transparent, set their expectations from the get go and listen to yours.
Divorce coaching has experienced burgeoning growth over the last few decades, but is still a relatively new concept. Personally, I am on a mission to make divorce coaching a household name so that when someone is getting divorced, rather than asking “Who is your lawyer?” we are asking “Who is your divorce coach?” Divorce coaching is too important a service to not make it into mainstream divorce culture. There is too much money, time and emotional turmoil at stake. YOU are at stake. You can help the profession take off by choosing coaches that are well trained and hold themselves to high standards.
