Divorce in your 20’s: Five Empowering Lessons from your “Starter Marriage”

I was sitting alone on the bathroom floor when I realized it was over. My ex-husband had abruptly confessed to feelings of doubt and incompatibility throughout a 3-year marriage, cumulative 10-year relationship. I distinctly remember experiencing a sharp flare of shame and guilt as I thought, “You’re getting a divorce at 27? How embarrassing.”

At the time, I had no idea marriages between the ages of 20-25 are 60% likely to end in divorce. This is most likely because the 20’s are when individuals are just beginning to establish a sense of identity in their career, relationships, and personal life. Being married young, I felt as if I was ahead of the game and had secured at least one facet of my life and future. Faced with divorce, I questioned my entire sense of self and felt left behind.

What is a “starter marriage”?

These young unions are sometimes referred to as “starter marriages,” signifying a first marriage under the age of 30, lasting less than 5 years and concluding without children or substantial assets. While this typically allows for a swift and uncomplicated process that those divorcing later in life might envy, it can leave young divorcees feeling diminished and devalued. As though their commitment was not of substance or significance. 

I hesitate to use the term “starter marriage” as it feels dismissive to those who sincerely entered a marriage with full intentions to uphold that commitment forever. However, I do believe mentally reframing a failed marriage as a starter marriage fosters a more constructive perspective that can help establish a stronger sense of self and empowerment. 

What can you learn from a divorcing young?

The following are 5 powerful lessons I learned from my starter marriage, many of which take people a lifetime to learn, that helped put me back ahead of the game.

1. You don’t owe the past your future. 

It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to go a different direction. You are under no obligation to be the same person you were 1 year, 1 month, 1 day, or 1 minute ago. Your starter marriage may have been what you wanted a few years ago, but now you’ve changed, and your partner has changed and that’s okay. 

2. There is a fine line between compromise and settling. 

We’re always told that successful marriages require compromise but what if you’ve accidentally been settling in the name of compromise? Compromise is being flexible with your wants, settling is undermining your needs. When you’re in your 20’s, your wants and needs are constantly evolving. Your starter marriage helped you delineate when you’re compromising and when you’re settling. 

3. Your intuition and gut feelings are enough. 

It can sometimes feel as though you need rock solid evidence to back your intuition as if gut feelings alone aren’t substantial enough to be of merit. In your starter marriage you may have felt something was off but had no outwardly definable reason to point to, so you staved off the inevitable telling yourself it was all in your head. You do not owe tangible reason or explanation to trust your intuition and do what feels best for you. 

4. You are allowed to put yourself first. 

Most people believe to be a caring, loving person you must put others before yourself. This belief can leave people feeling conflicted when choosing to get a divorce. Choosing divorce does not make you selfish, disloyal, flippant, heartless, or unloving. Ultimately, recognizing the validity of self-prioritization is a major step towards fostering a life that aligns with your values and well-being which is beneficial to you and everyone else around you. 

5. Nothing is permanent. 

Going through a divorce at a young age underscores the impermanence of life and relationships. It's a lesson that reminds you to cherish the present, value meaningful connections, and be adaptable in the face of life's unexpected twists and turns. This wisdom can guide you in making more intentional choices in the future.

Marrying and divorcing young puts you in a unique position that forces you to confront your evolving identity, values, and priorities. So, if you find yourself on the bathroom floor feeling overwhelmed by it all, remember, the lessons learned from your starter marriage can empower you in ways that take others a lifetime to grasp. You’re ahead of the game.