A Divorce Coach is the Doula of your Divorce
A divorce coach is your divorce doula
I first heard the term ‘doula’ when my hippie aunt birthed my cousin in a bath at her home. I was 12 and recall being very confused. Coming from a family that, (mostly) followed Western medicine norms, I found the doula's presence unsettling. She was still hanging around when I arrived to meet the baby and I had questions, as I so often do. Was she the doctor? Midwife? A relative I had never met? A friend?! Who was this person and why was she needed?
By the time my friends were having babies, doulas had become a little more mainstream, yet my opinion of them remained unchanged. I turned my nose up, thinking they were an unnecessary addition to the already bloated, yet extremely profitable, baby and mom industry. I mean, who in their right mind would hire someone in addition to their doctor or midwife to quite literally hold their hand and rub their back as they did what women have been doing since time immemorial? Exactly how many birth professionals did these bougie couples need to shepherd new life into the world?
Boy, did I eat my words.
Fast forward a decade later, after one flopped ‘natural’ birth and a clumsy attempt at breastfeeding. At the first sign of baby number two, I tucked my tail between my legs and called upon all reputable sources for doula referrals. Now granted first babies generally have a rougher go of making their entrance, but the difference between my first, second and even third births? Night and day thanks to my doula, a woman whose job I had so easily overlooked.
It recently dawned on me that divorce coaches are often met with the same wary suspicion, “I have my lawyer, I have my therapist, why a coach?” The confusion is understandable, I mean why would you pay for yet another professional during an already very costly process? But, much like my finally caving and hiring a doula, if you are interested in saving time, angst and years off your life, the real question becomes, how can you afford not to?
A divorce doula will prepare you
Parenting does not come with a manual and neither does divorce. During the prenatal period it is customary for your doula to do home visits and provide childbirth education. Similarly, a divorce doula will educate you on the various types of divorce and help you decide which may best fit your specific circumstances. In fact, most individuals that have decided to get a divorce will run out and hire an attorney at the first opportunity where what they really should be doing is hiring a coach. Why? Because a coach can lead them in the right direction and sift through the noise that is the $11.3 billion family law and divorce industry. The stakes are high in a divorce and one mistake can prove costly both emotionally and financially. Your attorney will appreciate this too, a well prepared client makes them look good and allows them to focus on what they do best.
A divorce doula will keep emotions in check
Hormones are at an all time high around childbirth and with that comes pretty drastic emotional highs and lows. Your divorce is no different although rather than pregnancy hormones your system is flooded with stress hormones. If left unmanaged, these hormones lead to destructive thought patterns that cloud judgment and could potentially send you in a downward spiral. Part of a coach’s job is to equip you with tools to manage the stress and painful emotions. It is impossible for the thinking brain to come online when our fight, flight, freeze response is going full throttle. And if there is any time in life that you need to think rationally, it is during a divorce. Once again, your legal team and bank account stand to benefit here, the last thing your attorney wants is a hysterical client and the last thing your finances need is a hefty legal bill.
A divorce doula will help you get from A to B
That baby needs to come out and if your doula has one job, it is to make the transition as easy and safe as possible while honoring your specific preferences and lifestyle. Some people want a homebirth, others a water birth, some want candles and music, others want all the drugs and interventions modern medicine has to offer. No two births are the same and neither are divorces. Your friends and family may have all the well-intentioned advice with anecdotes of a coworker that won an unheard of settlement or a distant relative that got permanent maintenance after their unfaithful husband was caught red handed. All this does is create unnecessary noise and confusion. Your divorce doula will sit down with you to identify where you are now, where you want to be, what is blocking you and what inner resources and strengths you can call upon to meet your goals. The end result? A new life.
A divorce doula will help you adjust to your new life
It is estimated that the majority of new parents lose about one-third of a year’s worth of sleep. A postpartum doula is an angel of mercy in the early days, making house visits, offering feeding tips and giving new parents an opportunity to rest. With exhaustion comes overwhelm, dips in confidence and possibly even depression. But the fog inevitably lifts, leaving new life in its place and the same applies to your life post divorce. Your divorce coach can help you adjust and nurture this new life with kid gloves. The rebirthed you may need guidance forming an identity, finding out what makes you tick, what work is most fulfilling, and how to navigate coparenting. It is surreal, it is terrifying, it is shocking, yet it is a liberating transformation. The risk of mental and physical exhaustion is high, but a divorce coach can be your thought partner while helping you maximize on what is an opportune catalyst for change.
A divorce doula supports the entire family
A new baby disrupts the entire family ecosystem especially if there are other children to take care of. Where you had availability and bandwidth before, you may now feel depleted and tapped out, not giving your older children or partner the time and attention they need. This is the emotional version of robbing Peter to pay Paul and it happens in divorce too, especially one high in conflict. A divorce coach ensures that your oxygen mask is fitting snug and tight so that you can help all the others that depend on you. This cannot be stressed enough, if there are children involved, you need to have your druthers about you and a divorce doula will ensure you prioritize self care so that your children get the parent they deserve.
While comparing divorce to birth may be a stretch for many, the point is that they are both major life transitions that take a toll on the body and mind. Looking back I am grateful for a botched labor, as it opened my eyes to the fact that there is no shame in outsourcing help, especially when so much is at stake. I realized that we have so many options available to us today - both in childbearing and in divorce - and took advantage of experts that extend beyond traditional roles of lawyers, doctors, therapists etc. Thanks to my doula, I recovered from childbirth quickly, able to soak in more sweet moments with my newborns. Thanks to my divorce doula, I thrived through divorce, able to enjoy more moments with my children and revel in the new me.
