An A-Ha Parenting Moment on National Single Parent Day
National Single Parent Day
March 21st is National Single Parent Day and I found myself reflecting on the guilt I have faced as a single parent. Even when my family was “in-tact” I suffered from mom guilt. I grew up in a beautiful climate, with siblings that were and still remain my best friends, an exemplary parental unit and weekends that revolved around big Sunday lunches mobbed by cousins and extended family. My childhood was the real life “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and I took for granted that one day I would give my kids the same abundance. But… choices were made, careers took precedence and I found myself raising three daughters miles from any living relative in a place where “polar vortex” is an actual possibility in the weather forecast.
A divorce
My tendency to overcompensate for what I felt was a less-than-desirable childhood drove a wedge between their father and myself. He didn’t grow up as “coddled” and privileged as I and ended up brilliant, indeed our children had more than they needed to thrive. Never quite able to get on the same page, the wedge grew into an impossible chasm and we divorced during the pandemic in the dead of a Chicago winter. Alas, my daughters’ youth was literally, and figuratively, worlds apart from mine.
Looking back, I can attribute my real-life, grown up problems for the fact that chasing this idyllic life for my kids faded from the forefront of my mind. Now it was all about dusting myself off and trying to show up as a mom despite the fact that my foundation, and heart, had been reduced to a pile of rubble. It was during one of these rock bottom moments that I finally learned something about parenting. Something so simple and easily taken for granted, yet the power of it really dawned on me when I had very little to give them other than myself.
Our children smile with genuine happiness when we take the time to connect and truly delight in them.
My three girls were each bestowed with one of those smiles that spreads so magnetically and so wide, I sometimes wonder if their face will crack. I can’t pinpoint the exact instance, probably sometime between a school-mandated quarantine and a lengthy divorce mediation that I caught my two-year-old doing something so illegally cute, it stopped me in my tracks. Her face broke out into a victorious grin as she lapped up the attention from my reaction. For a couple hours after all she wanted to do was cooperate and please me, genuinely happy with very little effort on my part.
Expert Opinion
Parenting expert and clinical psychologist Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting has built her entire practice around positive parenting[1]. She says, “The most important factor in your child’s development may well be your delight in them. Children need to know that they inspire their parents to love caring for them.”[2] Aha indeed! Yes, divorce or how we divorce, has the potential to significantly impact a child’s development. And of course, being isolated at home unable to even get outside as Chicago temperatures dipped, however temporary, isn’t exactly the footloose and fancy-free idea I had in mind for my kids. But I could still create a happy and secure environment amidst our turmoil, simply by making it clear how much joy they brought me especially during our time of challenge.
Whether it was my nine-year-old’s confused Dua Lipa lyrics, my six-year-old crushing new sight words, or my two-year-old using the potty I made a point of noticing these moments. As a result, the children became happier, adjusted relatively well to a changed family landscape, and my guilt (mostly) withered away. In a law of attraction type situation, the more moments of delight I looked for the more the girls delivered. My nine-year-old expanded her repertoire to include Justin Bieber and Beyonce, my six-year-old started reading chapter books and my two-year-old sat on the potty longer trying to squeeze out extra drops that would be on proud display for her sisters and myself.
Are our circumstances ideal? Not a chance. Divorce is certainly not the life I imagined for my children or for myself, and the occasional feelings of guilt and grief still catch me off guard. There is no denying that their childhood looks very different to mine, but I have learned to accept it and realize that all the happiness and innocence of youth is still within their reach. I feel lighter when I adopt the mindset of abundance, rather than the scarcity I previously focused on. Because rather than bemoan what I can’t give them, I am empowered by what I can, something that is free for the taking and transcends what a family looks like or its outside circumstances. Dr. Markham is onto something, our children are happy when we connect and delight in them and even in less-than-ideal circumstances, a harsh winter, pandemic and divorce, this was enough for us and can be for you too.
