How To Make Summer Co-Parenting a Breeze
I recently conducted an Instagram poll, asking viewers whether they found summer coparenting any easier than the regular school year. The result? A unanimous, resounding no. While these results are disheartening, they are not surprising, afterall, navigating co parenting even under the best of circumstances, is not for the faint of heart. I chalk these dismal results up to the fact that a. winter, spring, summer or fall, sharing kids with an ex is bound to have its challenges and b. the summer may often be overlooked with some parenting plans only broadly addressing extracurriculars and not speaking to the specifics of summer. It’s unfortunate as summer vacation brings forth an array of opportunities for families to create lasting memories and have fun during a time of year when pressure is lower. Don’t make the mistake of not planning accordingly. This post lists out six questions that should be addressed in your summer co parenting plan:
1. How flexible do you want to be?
Will you be maintaining your regular school-time parenting plan or would you prefer to build in some flexibility? Your custody agreement may be too restrictive or not make sense given trips and/or camps for your kids. That said, the US summer vacation is a significant chunk of the year, and leaving too much up to chance may allow for manipulation in more contentious co-parenting relationships. Additionally, sometimes you just “don’t know what you don’t know” until you have lived through a few cycles of coparenting. I have found the rule of thumb and consensus among good lawyers is to consider every detail that goes into your custody arrangement (summer or otherwise), and with any luck you may not need it. But your plan should be a living, breathing document that you can refer to if need be and if agreement cannot be reached.
2. When will you and your co parent need to finalize summer plans?
Balancing schedules, coordinating activities, and ensuring a harmonious experience for children requires thoughtful planning and effective communication.Translation? Start signing up for camps and planning summer trips before you are ready. Summer camps can be hot commodities especially in larger cities, and as your children get older they will have an opinion on camps and social activities with friends. Not to mention the cost of airfare if you decide to travel. Include the who, what and when in your parenting plan. Who (typically parents both in joint legal and physical custody circumstances) decides on what the kids will be doing and by when? Later, you can use a shared calendar or digital platform where both parents can easily access and update schedules as necessary.
3. Who pays for camps/activities?
Summer camps double as childcare for many working parents. It is important to understand what qualifies as childcare and what qualifies as enrichment/extracurricular as this may impact which parent is financially responsible. Parenting plans often designate who chooses childcare and who pays for it, therefore summer accommodations must be spelled out. Also, make sure that you agree ahead of time who is responsible for scheduling and filling out necessary paperwork as this may be time consuming and require physicals.
4. Where will handoffs occur?
During the school year handoffs are often arranged around school drop off and pick ups. This provides a neutral location and buffer for children to transition to their other parent, which is particularly important in high-conflict cases. When school is out, where, how, and when will these handoffs occur such that the children and both parties feel comfortable? If one parent still lives in the marital home this may be a potential trigger in which case a park or cafe is perhaps the better choice for a transition. Remember children feel bad or guilty about leaving one parent to go to another when they sense tension, therefore anything you can do to minimize this will serve all involved.
5. How much input will your children have?
As mentioned above, kids begin to have stronger opinions as they enter the middle- school years. While this is developmentally appropriate, it also means one more cook in the kitchen and more people to please. Allowing your kids to have a voice where possible gives them a sense of agency and can often take you out of the middle. You can empower your child to speak to you and their other parent about their preferences. For example, if they would prefer to do a camp and not go on an exotic trip, it becomes about their preference and not about you or your ex’s agenda. We want to keep kids out of the middle at all costs, but there comes a time when it's important to teach kids to stand in their truth and advocate for themselves (within reason).
6. What steps can you take to ensure you and your ex do not compete?
In a game of one-upmanship the only losers are your kids. Tempting as it may be to find out every detail of your ex’s trip with the children, it is totally unnecessary and will result in the kids feeling guilty. Most of us are trying to rebuild our bank accounts after a divorce which makes a perfectly curated, pinterest-worthy summer impossible and downright irresponsible. Remember, children do not care if you take them to Paris or the local water park. They care about how you make them feel when they are with you.
And finally…
Now for the most important part, make sure you build in plenty of time to have fun with your kids this summer. Equally important, allow your kids to have time for fun with their other parent. Even if you do not get along with your ex, try to recognize the importance of your children having a well-rounded summer which means time with both of you. After the turmoil, perhaps even trauma, of a divorce, you and your kids deserve time to let your hair down without the added responsibility of homework, meets, games and practices. In order to embrace the opportunity summer brings, it is really important to have a good parenting plan in place and to begin executing that plan early. As with any time of the year, co-parenting during summer vacation necessitates patience, understanding, and effective communication. Hopefully taking some of these steps will turn summer co-parenting into a breeze, or at least easier than it apparently is for my Instagram followers.
