How to Move On From Divorce
In my divorce this past year, my ex and I agreed that he would keep our dog, Baxter. I kept my cat, but everyone knows it’s not the same type of bond and affection that you gain from a dog (no offense Stella). When he finally took Baxter, I mourned and grieved my loss way longer than I expected - emotional outbursts often taking me by surprise. It’s been seven months and last week I thought, “It’s time to move on. You’re getting a dog today.” I was feeling good, found an adoption center, and started driving. Halfway there I started crying uncontrollably. I got to the parking lot and tried to pull myself together but ended up turning around and going home dogless. Unsurprisingly, the idea of adopting a new dog wasn’t solely about replacing my old dog; it marked a new step in my journey to move on from my divorce and the life I had just a few months ago.
How do you move on from something as life altering as a divorce? Is it ever something you can move on from? When do you know you’ve moved on? Just as diverse the circumstances and course of each divorce may be, the path to moving on is equally unique for every individual. Moving on may look like reflecting on and processing the end of your marriage, changing careers, learning to co-parent, moving to a new city, creating a new social circle, learning to live alone, getting back into the dating game, adopting a new pet, etc. What those goals and life changes look like are completely up to you. The timing that suits you is also at your discretion. There is no magic number of days, weeks, or months that marks transitioning from one stage of healing to the next. Often, you’ll experience jumping all over the spectrum, sometimes feeling like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back.
The weird thing about all of this is that on a conscious level, you might be telling yourself you’re ready to move on – need to move on in fact. You feel stuck and just want the next part of your new, exciting life to start. But on a subconscious and biological level, your body and mind are still adjusting to a massive identity shift. You have quite literally been picked up and plopped into a completely alien reality. Give yourself a little grace - inter-dimensional travel is bound to screw up your inner workings a bit.
The key to moving on is being incredibly loving and patient with yourself. You are in a vulnerable state and your body and mind are trying to figure out what’s safe again after being through trauma. The following are 4 ways you can move on from your divorce in a healthy, sustainable way:
Watch your language!
Be aware of the dialogue running through your head. Are you in victim mode? Blaming your ex for everything that went wrong, obsessively going over everything they did to you, and wondering why this happened to you - of all people! Are you self-deprecating? Being critical of yourself as you look back on your marriage or even berating yourself for not having accomplished more or moved on faster.
Becoming conscious of the narratives running through your mind is critical to moving on. Our thoughts are our reality. Here’s the kicker though – when you do notice negative thought patterns, don’t judge or berate yourself. Instead, acknowledge the thoughts and then slowly introduce new dialogue to replace the old. Instead of “Why did they have to ruin my life?” you can begin to say, “Life hasn’t gone as I expected but I am strong enough to adapt to change.” Consider seeking support from a divorce coach to help you identify these habits and provide tools for reframing your internal dialogue.
Adjust expectations
Divorce will take a hit on your mental and physical stamina. So, if you find yourself lacking motivation, more tired than usual, and not as productive as you normally are, that’s okay. Your mind and body are recovering and making space for new growth. Adjust what you expect of yourself. This can look like allowing yourself to sleep in a bit longer than normal. Maybe you can’t hit the gym five days a week right now, but you are able to motivate yourself to go for a walk. Maybe you’re not able to muster the energy to bake 100 dozen cookies for your kid’s bake sale and bought Dunkin’ Donuts instead. Moving on doesn’t necessarily mean drastic changes or “improvements” on yourself. Sometimes it just looks like meeting yourself where you’re at that day.
Find your community
Going through divorce can leave you feeling isolated and ashamed. During your divorce, relationships with family and friends may have changed or disappeared. Sometimes even good relationships can’t provide the level of support and empathy needed for such a traumatic event. In such times, connecting with a supportive community can provide a lifeline of understanding, empathy, and shared wisdom. A divorce support group can connect you with others at different stages of the divorce process that will help you gain perspective and feel heard. Or put yourself out there a little and meet new people through book clubs, painting classes, kickboxing, or trivia nights. There are so many people with similar experiences that can make you feel part of a community.
Mark the new era
Take time to mark the transition into your new life with small, tangible gestures to yourself. This can look like buying that necklace you’ve been eyeballing for a while or giving your living space a fresh arrangement. As a symbolic gesture, you could burn some of your photos with your ex. Try those outfits you always thought looked cool on other people but could never picture yourself in. Go to that salsa dance class you’ve always wanted to try. When you do something new and have a positive experience it conveys a powerful message to your subconscious that the switch to your new life is secure and achievable.
In the aftermath of divorce, moving on is neither linear nor predictable. It is a personal journey that requires self-compassion and patience. While there might not be a universal path, the shared wisdom and experience of others can provide assurance that you can find your way to a new and fulfilling chapter of life. So, if you find yourself crying in the parking lot having thought you were ready to move on, pat yourself on the back for even being brave enough to consider the thought.